It's no secret that the iPad tablet is Apple's "Next Big Thing". It's also no secret that so many people are wondering how to use an iPad. So what is all this secrecy about? You know they say you are only as sick as your secrets.

Well the sickly truth is that a small number of people (and I include you in this group) are trying like the dickens (Charles, that is) to use an iPad but are so frustrated they are crying like Girly-Men.

Well, right here, right now, I will teach you how to use an iPad tablet without crying like a girly-man. You may weep like a baby or a 90-year-old woman about to give birth, but at least the girly-man thing is out.

First of all you will want your iPad in front of you. Depending upon the flow rate of your last bowel movement, you may want to switch to a larger or smaller iPad. This may not be as small of job (as in Steven Jobs - RIP) as it seems.

But once you have this figured out, your second task is preparing to insert the iPad inside your buttocks sphincter. Yes, if you've read other pages on this website you'll already know I like saying the word "sphincter".

Third, make sure the cord to your iPad is hanging downwards. Now comes the hard part. With all of your intestinal fortitude, insert the iPad into your sphincter and by no means cry like a girly-man. I said don't cry. Stop it. Stop it, now.

The cord should be dangling down. The iPad will absorb both diarrhea and blood from hemorrhoids onto its hard drive and automatically post your self induced colonoscopy pictures on Facebook.

When your "girly-man" troubles are over, you may rip the cord and iPad out of your sphincter quickly like ripping off a bandage. The pain will be severe but short in duration.

The good news is that your sphincter will now be stretched out bigger than the Holland Tunnel and next time you'll be able to insert the iPad much more easily. These are the basic instructions on how to use an iPad. Your situation may vary and as a late night talk show host used to say "please, no wagering".

Also, rumor has it that Apple is developing it's next generation called the Maxi iPad (insert your own joke here).

Note: do not try this yourself. Only do this under the supervision of your doctor. And, once again, please no wagering.