How to Use an iPad
It's no secret that the iPad tablet is Apple's "Next Big
Thing". It's also no secret that so many people are wondering
how to use an iPad. So what is all this secrecy about? You know
they say you are only as sick as your secrets.
Well the sickly truth is that a small number of people (and I
include you in this group) are trying like the dickens (Charles,
that is) to use an iPad but are so frustrated they are crying
Well, right here, right now, I will teach you how to use an iPad
tablet without crying like a girly-man. You may weep like a baby
or a 90-year-old woman about to give birth, but at least the girly-man
thing is out.
First of all you will want your iPad in front of you. Depending
upon the flow rate of your last bowel movement, you may want to
switch to a larger or smaller iPad. This may not be as small of
job (as in Steven Jobs - RIP) as it seems.
But once you have this figured out, your second task is preparing
to insert the iPad inside your buttocks sphincter. Yes, if you've
read other pages on this website you'll already know I like saying
the word "sphincter".
Third, make sure the cord to your iPad is hanging downwards.
Now comes the hard part. With all of your intestinal fortitude,
insert the iPad into your sphincter and by no means cry like a
girly-man. I said don't cry. Stop it. Stop it, now.
The cord should be dangling down. The iPad will absorb both diarrhea
and blood from hemorrhoids onto its hard drive and automatically
post your self induced colonoscopy pictures on Facebook.
When your "girly-man" troubles are over, you may rip
the cord and iPad out of your sphincter quickly like ripping off
a bandage. The pain will be severe but short in duration.
The good news is that your sphincter will now be stretched out
bigger than the Holland Tunnel and next time you'll be able to
insert the iPad much more easily. These are the basic instructions
on how to use an iPad. Your situation may vary and as a late night
talk show host used to say "please, no wagering".
Also, rumor has it that Apple is developing it's next generation
called the Maxi iPad (insert your own joke here).
Note: do not try this yourself. Only do this under the
supervision of your doctor. And, once again, please no wagering.