How to Write a Resume
Let's face it. A thoughtful and descriptive resume is the single
most important method of getting the job of your dreams.
Let's also face it. You don't really want a job but someone is
pressuring you to look for employment and you need to get them
off your back. Perhaps a parent or spouse is pressuring you to
look for work.
Perhaps you are on unemployment and wish to ride this pony into
the dirt until it dies with one long lasting donkey hee-haw (or
if you're from the South, ye-haw). No matter. You have a problem
to solve and I will help you solve it.
You are wondering how to write a resume in such a way that no
one in their right minds will hire you. Consider the different
parts of a resume and I will tell you how to defeat them one by
one. Also, consider having two resumes, one for show and one for
go. In other words, one to show the person putting pressure on
you to get a job and the other which you will actually post on
Monster.com, Yahoo Hot Jobs, etc.
The parts of a resume include: the identifying information, career
objective, summary of qualifications and skills, education, experience,
activities, honors, military service and references. Let's go
with the resume you will post online that will deter all prospective
employers.
Indentifying information
Put your wrong name, address, phone number and email address.
Have fun with your own fake name such as calling yourself Ronald
McDonald, Mad Max (no one will hire Mel Gibson for a long time
now), Squeaky Fromm or Farts McFarland.
Career Objective
I wish to be a slacker, steal office supplies and generally create
chaos and mayhem wherever I go.
Summary of Qualifications and Skills
Once almost convicted on a mass murder in Ghana. The North Korean
blame me for ruining their chances at the World Cup. I had pooped
my pants until age 12 and things still aren't quite right yet.
Education
School of Hard Knocks followed by school of Who's There are my
alma maters. I also almost graduated from the School of Rock,
so step off.
Experience
I once experimented with the same sex in college when I was drunk.
Otherwise I was a nuclear physicist for the Chinese and Russians
(and Eskimos) plus I ran the dunk tank at the county fair.
Activities
My favorite activities include hiking, tennis, bank robbery for
fun and profit, making Mentos soda bombs and bobbing for turds.
Honors
In my lifetime I have received the distinguished Metal of Horror,
the Norble Peace Prize, the Purple Hat, and I shoplifted a gold
star in 5th grade for my essay on "feral cats and the dogs
who love them".
Military Service
My military service includes being AWOL 7 times, perpetrator
of friendly fire, posting military secrets on Internet Wikis,
and saluting a melon.
References
My references are upon request, but if you do call any of them
be sure to start with the phrase, "Now hear me out. Don't
hang up on me". Enough said.
To recap, if you want to know how to write a resume so that you
will not be hired just follow these guidelines to a tee. Remember,
you've just asked an expert in staying unemployed. I haven't had
a job in years. I put out resumes like this all the time.
The only reply I ever get is that occasional phone call saying
"Are you serious?"
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