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How to Write a Resume

Let's face it. A thoughtful and descriptive resume is the single most important method of getting the job of your dreams.

How to Write a Resume

Let's also face it. You don't really want a job but someone is pressuring you to look for employment and you need to get them off your back. Perhaps a parent or spouse is pressuring you to look for work.

Perhaps you are on unemployment and wish to ride this pony into the dirt until it dies with one long lasting donkey hee-haw (or if you're from the South, ye-haw). No matter. You have a problem to solve and I will help you solve it.

You are wondering how to write a resume in such a way that no one in their right minds will hire you. Consider the different parts of a resume and I will tell you how to defeat them one by one. Also, consider having two resumes, one for show and one for go. In other words, one to show the person putting pressure on you to get a job and the other which you will actually post on Monster.com, Yahoo Hot Jobs, etc.

The parts of a resume include: the identifying information, career objective, summary of qualifications and skills, education, experience, activities, honors, military service and references. Let's go with the resume you will post online that will deter all prospective employers.

Indentifying information

Put your wrong name, address, phone number and email address. Have fun with your own fake name such as calling yourself Ronald McDonald, Mad Max, Mel Gibson, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Squeaky Fromm or Farts McFarland.

Career Objective

I wish to be a slacker, steal office supplies and generally create chaos and mayhem wherever I go.

Summary of Qualifications and Skills

Once almost convicted on a mass murder in Ghana. The North Korean blame me for ruining their chances at the World Cup. I had pooped my pants until age 12 and things still aren't quite right yet.


School of Hard Knocks followed by school of Who's There. I also almost graduated from the School of Rock, so step off.


I once experimented with the mushrooms in college when I was drunk. Otherwise I was a nuclear physicist for the Chinese and Russians (and Eskimos) plus I ran the dunk tank at the county fair.


My favorite activities include hiking, tennis, bank robbery for fun and profit, making Mentos soda bombs and bobbing for turds.


In my lifetime I have received the distinguished Metal of Horror, the Norble Peace Prize, the Purple Hat, and I shoplifted a gold star in 5th grade for my essay on "feral cats and the dogs who love them".

Military Service

My military service includes being AWOL 7 times, perpetrator of friendly fire, posting military secrets on Internet Wikis, and saluting a melon.


My references are upon request, but if you do call any of them be sure to start with the phrase, "Now hear me out. Don't hang up on me". Enough said.

To recap, if you want to know how to write a resume so that you will not be hired just follow these guidelines to a tee. Remember, you've just asked an expert in staying unemployed. I haven't had a job in years. I put out resumes like this all the time.

The only reply I ever get is that occasional phone call saying "Are you serious?"

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