Many men want to know how to tie a tie. Some women do, too although Lebanese people and church moms make up the majority of this latter group. So, let's concentrate on teaching a man how to tie a tie and this will apply to other subgroups (not submarine groups) as well.

The first step in learning how to tie a tie is to become ambidextrous so that you'll be able to use either hand equally and can tie your wonderfully wacky tie starting from either direction. Let's jump ahead 5 years after you've taken the painstaking time to become ambidextrous (or amphibious and tie your tie underwater).

Since bow ties are for academic wussies and bolo ties are for "steer and queer" wussies, then let's talk about how to tie a traditional tie.

Here are the detailed instructions on how to tie a tie:

1. Go up through the rabbit hole and down through the gopher hole
2. Go over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go
3. Pass Go and collect $200
4. Bounce it off the windmill and then through the clown's mouth
5. Open the boy scout's manual and tie a Windsor knot, half Windsor, four in hand, Pratt knot, and what not and then forget everything you've read
6. Pull the wide end down 2 feet then whip it from side to side saying, "I am an elephant. I am an elephant."
7. Take the Chicago Loop upwards and the John Kerry sloop downwards
8. Do a barrel roll in a WWII plane and the tie will tie itself
9. Whip it, whip it good
10. Hire a magician to do it for you

Now these are the basic easy instructions on how to tie a tie just like a professional tie tier. Another tip is to look in the mirror as you tie your tie and do the opposite. Call one of your male friends on the cell phone and have him record himself tying a tie with the camera video on his mobile phone.

Learning how to tie a tie is easy once you get the hang of it. The problem is that many men only tie one on before they tie one on after going to a wedding or funeral. Years can pass. Brain cells will flake and this isn't a bicycle, duh.

At least with a bicycle you never forget how to ride one. But, with a tie forgetting is as easy as pie. Tie dyed pie. American Pie where the main guy shtoops the pie when his dad is walking in. Yet, I regress and digress at the same time.

So, just follow these easy instructions on how to tie a tie and you'll look like a GQ model in no time. And, if this doesn't work, there is always the Hangman's Noose option. But, this is a last resort.

I'm not talking suicide here, either. Since you probably already know how to tie a hangman's noose from huffing or whatever it is you do in your spare time, you can always make a hangman's noose out of your tie and wear it as a fashion statement.

So, to recap just learn to tie the damn tie (and plug the damn hole). You're life will be so much easier. Email someone else if you have any questions.