How to Boil Eggs
(the Old School Way)
How to boil eggs the Old School way is covered on this page.
Now, you're probably thinking about getting a pan from the pantry
or a pair of panties from the pantry or painting the pantry and
then decorating it with stuck on panties and glued on pans. But,
this thinking will get your nowhere my friend.
So put down the pan and stop banging yourself in the head with
it and I'll tell you how to boil eggs right now. And you don't
even need to use a pan or a microwavable bowl or dish. You don't
even need to add water. You don't even need to tell Stephen Colbert
and Jon Stewart to suck eggs. No, this would be wrong.
Now, you may think I'm babbling here. And you may be right. I
may be crazy. Or it may just be a lunatic you're looking for.
Anywho, the sure-fire way to boil an egg is without fire. That's
right, without fire.
But, you're always welcomed to bring the heat. And by heat I
Now, let's just put aside the fact that you dwell too much on
the Mime Apocalypse and Sister-wife Zombies. You need to remain
You've come to this page looking for answers and answers we've
got. The fact that we have not gotten to your answer is not a
bug, it's a feature.
So, let me lay out in simple terms what you'll need to boil eggs.
Here's the supply list:
Okay, now just toss this stuff away because you're going to
need none of it. That's right, none of it! Well, boo hoo, you
say, I have to have eggs to make this work if nothing else. What
you need to do is feed your dog and egg before bedtime, let em
jump in bed with you and see who is boiling mad, then.
So, that brings me to my next point (and ironically my first
real point on this page). To boil an egg you're going to need
anger, some good one-liners and Humpty-Dumpty.
That's right Humpty-Dumpty, from Herman Melville's classic novel
Moby Dick. Humpty Dumpty, the great white whale-like egg that
sat on a seawall. That big, fat egg that had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men said, "You're
too fat, Egg! We could put you back together but we won't. How
did you get so fat? Did you eat Big Bird?"
So, to make an egg boil what you need to do is kick Humpty Dumpty
while he's down and yell things like, "Hey, you're the yolk
of the town!" or "Hey Humpty did you get pushed off
that wall by a poacher?" or even, "You're looking a
little dumpy Humpty - and so is yo mama!"
Now these insults are enough to make most eggs boil. And Humpty
did. But while scrambling for a comeback all he could say is,
"Don't do Crack!"
And that is the story of how to boils eggs.
Well, not really the end.
Insult Humpty Dumpty.
Put some eggs in a pot, add water to just over the top of eggs,
bring to boil for 1 minute, let stand for 30 minutes in covered
pot, put in refrigerator for 1 hour to cool down.
Best Answer gets a pat on the back. Fail gets a kick in the groin.
And so, I'll now leave you with a poem:
We don't need no fire
We don't need no flame
That's how we boil eggs
The Old School way