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How to Survive a Tornado

Many people in "Tornado Alley" want to know how to survive a tornado and be safe. While many others in a bowling alley, New Jersey alley, Kirstie Alley, Ali McGraw and Muhammad Ali want to protect themselves and be safe, too. Let's address the tornado issue since that's what we're here for (curses, I ended this sentence in a preposition, thereof).

Surviving a Tornado

There are several ways to protect yourself and your family from a tornado including:

  1. Flying above the fray
2. Going below the fray (underground)
3. Defy the fray
4. Outwit, outlast, outplay
5. What exactly is a fray

Now, flying above the fray is self-obvious. Jump in a plane, a rocket, a space plane, or like a cat clinging to a tree, strap yourself upon an Atlas missile and enjoy the friggin ride above the terrible twisted sister we call a tornado. Ridin' the storm out and waitin' for the fallout, you can spend a couple of hours in the tornado-sphere and most likely enjoy the blue skies above.

Another option is to go below the fray in a basement, crawl space, in-ground storm shelter, culvert, hole to China, ancient cave, mine shaft, or volcanic tube lined with white, fluffy kittens. You can also learn how to build a safe room in the soil. Most people, pets and potatoes are safe below ground. Can you dig it?

It's difficult to defy a tornado. But some people do just that. For instance, they are a few people who have hidden in modern day bank vaults and survived a cyclone (and made a little profit to boot).

A fourth option is outwit, outlast and outplay. This, of course, is the theme to the TV show, Survivor. In this worst case scenario, you form an alliance with other smaller tornadoes in the area. At tribal council, you vote the tornado which is the biggest threat off the cornfield island. In this case it would actually be good to learn how to make a tornado (and not just by spinning around fast in your boss's chair). If you learn how to make tornadoes of small stature, say in a tiny enclosure for the purpose of displaying at a science fair, you can pit your many twisters against the Big F5 in the neighborhood and cancel it out.

This leads us to the question of exactly what is a fray? Is it a fraidy cat? Is it chaos? Is it a bi-polar fraidy cat chasing its tail and climbing the curtains? No one knows the exact nature of the fray. All we know is to be afraid of the fray and refrain from the pain and disdain that may stay if the tornado is not shooed away. Comprende?

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