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How to Play Soccer



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How to Play Soccer World Cup Style with Chickens

Many people want to know how to play soccer. And many more wonder how they can play soccer World Cup style. But, a few dolts like myself wonder, how do I play soccer World Cup style with chickens?

Soccer Chickens

The answer may not be as obvious as it seems (if it is at all obvious). The problem with how to play soccer is that you can't just be a good athlete and automatically do it. Conversely you can be a rather poor overall athlete and play soccer if you know what you are doing.

Playing soccer involves a different skill set than any other sport and thus requires much individual as well as team training. Now, how does one transport this skill set and team training to play World Cup soccer?

It's easy. Simply add the chickens. You see the chickens are the wildcards on any sports team. I'm not talking about the mascot here, either.

I'm talking about real life, free range chickens on the field during the soccer match. If the chickens are on your team and released at the appropriate moment (I'll have to define "appropriate" elsewhere) then the birds will serve as a distraction and you can score a goal on the other team.

As an analogy, in professional baseball, pigeons have come into play many times distracting teams to no end. Ballplayers have chased them, swatted at them, thrown bean balls at them and one major leaguer actually hit a pigeon flying by as he was swinging at a hard slider thrown by the pitcher.

Now with this analogy out of place and tucked neatly inside of a Funk and Wagnalls jar, we can move on to how to play soccer with chickens. Once the chickens are set free and clucking around the field, the other team will be distracted.

You may have only a moments notice, however to kick a goal before one of the referees sees this, so the timing must be perfect. Now, there is an alternative way to learn to play soccer with chickens and that is to train them from birth to do so.

When the chick is born, put in front of it an unfertilized egg. Make sure that you paint a checkerboard soccer ball pattern on the egg first. Next use your finger to flick the egg at the chicken.

Sometimes the chick will kick the egg-ball back and sometimes not. Keep repeating this and before the chicken is full grown it will be doing Pele bicycle kicks and Renaldo side kicks like a pro. You can even name your super soccer playing chicken Donovan McBeckham if you wish.

Spend a few years of training your chicken to play soccer and not only will it appear on David Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks, but you know what? Yes, World Cup FIFA Soccer is just around the corner.

Similar to midget baseball player Eddie Gaedel's appearance in the 1951 Browns versus Tigers game where he was walked at the plate on four consecutive balls from the pitcher, your soccer playing chicken will also be a surprise to the other team.

And what will also be a surprise is that you will know how to play soccer with your own chicken since you're the one who has trained it since birth. Do a few give-and-goes with your chicken and the other team will be befuddled. They will make mistakes. They will whine about being kicked in the shin, fall on the ground and ask the referee for a free kick.

But, none of this will work. The wise referee will let the game proceed, chickens and all. And, if there are more chickens on the soccer field the better. Your team will win the World Cup Championship and the rest will be history. A few may cry fowl, but don't listen to them as they are not worth the flipping of the bird..

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