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How Much Should I Weigh?

How much should I weigh is a question often asked by teenagers and adults alike. It's not often that you hear a baby's first words be "How much should I weigh?" but this does happen once in a blue moon or right after Peter Griffin from "Family Guy" says something psychologically intriguing.

How Much Should I Weigh

Now in order to figure out how much you weigh, you'll also need to know your age, sex, height, social security number and mother's maiden name. Once you have collected this data, you can throw out your mother's maiden name and social security number as you shouldn't be giving this to anyone, so shame on you.

Here are some guidelines on how to determine how much you should weigh:

  1. If you're a female over 10 years of age or over and 4 ft, 11-inches or under you should weigh precisely 95 pounds, not one ounce over or under.
2. If you're a female over 10 years of age or over and are 5 ft tall or over you should weigh 124 lbs, give or take 15 ounces.
3. If you're male 10 years of age or over and 4 ft, 11-inches or under you should weigh 97 lbs on the dot.
4. If you're a male over 10 years of age or over and are 5 ft tall or over, then you should weigh 197 lbs give or take 1 lb, 13 ounces.

Ethnicity and sexual orientation do play a role in how much you should weigh. So, if you have some ethnicity to you then you can add 2 lbs. If you are of the "other" sexual orientation, then subtract 3 lbs.

Anxiety factors also play a role when asking "how much should I weigh?" If you've come here looking for the answer, then this means you're anxious so add 10 - 155 lbs for the comfort foods and anxiety eating you've been packing away at night before bedtime when you carbo load thinking this will keep the monster out of your closet or from under your bed or the elephant in the living room or 800 lb gorilla at bay.

By the way, a full grown adult male gorilla should weigh 800 lbs give or take 2 ounces. The elephant in your living room may weigh about 2,500 lbs which is roughly the size of an older model Buick.

If you have body dysmorphic disorder like Michael Jackson did before he went to sleep and never woke up (or woke up in Never Never Land on the other side of darkness), then subtract 10 lbs and call a doctor.

If you have an eating disorder, then by all means binge and purge then call a doctor. If you have repetitive thoughts about "how much should I weigh?" and can't keep these thoughts out of your head you may have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). For this you'll need a DDS, PhD or OMG WTF an LCSW.

When you ask, "How much should I weigh" then know this is relative. So, go ask your relative as they are more likely to know the answer than some anonymous hack like myself giving you all the wrong information. Wise guy, huh? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

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