If you're short on time and need to make a longbow quickly, I will tell you how. There are only a few steps, tips, tricks and secrets on how to make a longbow and once you learn these you will be set for life.

Now, you may think that making a longbow will involve a lot of wood and materials that you may have to special order. But, you would be wrong. In fact, for the long and the short of it, you don't need anything to make a longbow, just yourself (you won't even need Robin Hood or his merry men - or Robin Williams, either).

Now, that's silly you say. How do you make a longbow just with yourself? The answer is easy my fine fiendish friend. The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing up your end (as in I'm blowing smoke up your butt).

Of course, if you like the sensation of smoking blowing up your butt, then you'll like what I've done. And, obviously if you don't like this sensation, then you may have strong objections and hire a private investigator to track me down.

But let's get back to the how to make a longbow question. Here is the answer.

First, you hack down one of the longest living redwood trees on planet (and kick any treehugger that gets in your way). Second, you carve it up with a butcher's knife (Three Blind Mice reference).

Third you end up with a long stick. Forth you put that stick up your butt. Fifth, you put one hand on your stomach and one hand on your lower back. Now, you bend over frontwards for an inordinately lengthy amount of time and you have just created a long bow. Cheers.