How to Enjoy Labor Day
How to enjoy Labor Day is a subject that comes up every year.
And why not, since this blessed day only happens once per annum
(not the same as ass)? So, this holiday which lets worker bees
escape the Man or the Queen for one day is important to enjoy
and not waste.
So, how do you enjoy the Labor Day weekend? I suppose you could
drink beer with friends and family and do some grilling. But,
that is way to cliché for you, my friend. Been there and
done that and never again I say.
No, what I say, and you may disagree, (and if you do I will be
at your front door shortly with a Chinese Mafioso name Sven to
knock some sense into you) but the top way to enjoy the Labor
Day weekend is by going into labor yourself. Now hear me out.
If you are a woman this will apply to you. And, if you are a
man, this will also oddly enough apply to you, too. If you are
a woman and pregnant then what better way to bring your baby into
the world than having a world class labor on Labor Day? If you
are a woman and not pregnant then wait three months and get pregnant
so next year this will apply to you.
Now, however, if you are a man, a real man, then
you can enjoy Labor Day in a similar fashion. Oh, really, you
say, "Men don't get pregnant". Now, why would you say
this to me? Just to hurt my feelings? No, you actually do make
a good point (and I may use your head to puncture a hole in my
neighbor's tire one day) but sadly not a good enough point.
You see men don't get pregnant obviously but men do get constipated.
I'm talking really, really constipated. I'm talking the type of
constipated that is as close as we can get to labor pains and
we are grunting and groaning on the toilet seat trying to get
that little sh*thead out of us.
Now, before Labor Day (as in right now, today), stop drinking
water, eat cheese and bread and your sphincter will close up like
it has a cork in it.
By Labor Day your bowels will be wound as tightly as the Tasmania
Devil. And, it is upon this blessed day that you will want to
get out the gynecological stirrups, hole up in the bathroom for
about three hours reading the Wall Street Journal and induce gastrointestinal
Yes, their will be grunting and groaning and screaming. You may
need your wife or girlfriend to hold your hand. You will be swearing
to "get that thing out of me" and other such words.
And, then finally, finally you'll be crowning.
But, as you crown your sphincter with that overly inflated turd,
my friend, you'll need to push. Your wife or girlfriend will need
to measure the centimeters. And you'll need to push some more.
You'll be straining until you're red in the face and crying for
your mommy. And, then the moment will happen. There will be that
You will be filled with a joy like no other you've ever experienced.
You'll get up from that toilet seat and observe the brown python
baby you created that is so long it will stick out over the toilet
seat cover and onto the bathroom floor.
Your little brown turd baby will smile up at you and you will
finally know the joy of spawning the most incredible Pooh child
the world has ever known. You'll keep pictures in your wallet
and show it to your friends. They will gasp and then pat you on
And your last step will be to post the pictures on Facebook with
the title of "This is what I did on my Labor Day Weekend".