How to Kill Yourself
with a Segway
In light of the accident where British businessman Jimi Heselden
died by falling off his Segway, I thought it only inappropriate
to write a how-to article about killing yourself using one of
As everyone and his half-brother knows, a Segway is a two-wheeled
vehicle that uses a series a gyroscopes to detect body movement
and propel Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak's fat ass around a Segway
Like Thelma and Louie without the Louie, Jimi Heselden apparently
drove his Segway off a cliff in England hurling him to his demise.
No suicide note was left behind, but one of the neighbors did
report a faint "Ayyyyyyyyy!" sound around the time of
So, without further adieu (or doo doo to you and me) I segue
to give you the top 10 ways to kill yourself on a Segway.
||1. DWS - Drinking While Segway-ing
2. Using your Segway to leap tall buildings in a single bound
3. Doing donuts on the freeway
4. Texting while Segway-ing
5. Segway slalom
6. Barrel rolls
7. Taking the inside lane at the Kentucky Derby
8. Curvy mountain roads
9. Jumping buses like Evel Knievel (or more like Super Dave
10. Playing Segway polo with Steve Wozniak
We don't really know what sent the British businessman over the
cliff metaphorically or literally. We do know that a Segway is
a vehicle and if you can fall off rollerblades or a bicycle while
not wearing a helmet and get killed you can certainly fall off
a Segway and receive the same fate.
So, the moral of the story is that if you do decide to jump off
a cliff on a Segway, wear a parachute. If you don't, then at least
wear a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads and a funny looking leotard
to amuse the passersby.