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Click Here Nimrod

How to Kill Yourself
with a Segway

In light of the accident where British businessman Jimi Heselden died by falling off his Segway, I thought it only inappropriate to write a how-to article about killing yourself using one of these vehicles.

As everyone and his half-brother knows, a Segway is a two-wheeled vehicle that uses a series a gyroscopes to detect body movement and propel Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak's fat ass around a Segway polo court.

Like Thelma and Louie without the Louie, Jimi Heselden apparently drove his Segway off a cliff in England hurling him to his demise. No suicide note was left behind, but one of the neighbors did report a faint "Ayyyyyyyyy!" sound around the time of the accident.

So, without further adieu (or doo doo to you and me) I segue to give you the top 10 ways to kill yourself on a Segway.

  1. DWS - Drinking While Segway-ing
2. Using your Segway to leap tall buildings in a single bound
3. Doing donuts on the freeway
4. Texting while Segway-ing
5. Segway slalom
6. Barrel rolls
7. Taking the inside lane at the Kentucky Derby
8. Curvy mountain roads
9. Jumping buses like Evel Knievel (or more like Super Dave Osborne)
10. Playing Segway polo with Steve Wozniak

We don't really know what sent the British businessman over the cliff metaphorically or literally. We do know that a Segway is a vehicle and if you can fall off rollerblades or a bicycle while not wearing a helmet and get killed you can certainly fall off a Segway and receive the same fate.

So, the moral of the story is that if you do decide to jump off a cliff on a Segway, wear a parachute. If you don't, then at least wear a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads and a funny looking leotard to amuse the passersby.

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