Many people who hire a DUI or DWI lawyer (depending upon the state you live in) eventually ask how to hire a DUI (or DWI) lawyer who isn't drunk himself? Let's face it, in that profession there is a lot of drinking going on.

By now, you may now noticed that I've introduced a bit of gender bias into this conversation by assuming first that your attorney is a man instead of a woman and that the man will not just be a lawyer, but a drunken DUI lawyer.

Well, I stand by my assertion (or insertion you sphincter lover) that drunken DUI lawyers are mostly male. The female DUI lawyers are usually pill poppers but we will discuss this at another time.

The question at hand is how do I hire a DUI lawyer that isn't drunk at least when presenting my case in court? The short answer is that you cannot. Even if you screen the attorney through the State bar (not corner bar although this could be another kind of screening) this will not work as lawyers are mostly protected from the public knowing their bad behavior.

Now the question arises, show you bring a cup with you when you interview your first DUI lawyer? Absolutely yes, is the answer. Make him pee in a cup and give him an on-the-spot tox screening.

One of those over the counter kits will do. And if he says 'no' to the tox screen this is a sure indication of his guilt and you will need to move on. In lieu of the pee in the cup test, you can always give your lawyer a field sobriety test.

You'll know what this is since you've most likely been through this yourself which is why you're seeking this type of lawyer in the first place.

The most humiliating type of field sobriety test is one that starts out normal, extending arms and touching nose. But, make sure that eventually you get around to having your lawyer do the Hokey Pokey because this is just plain ole good entertainment.

Random acts of breathalyzers are another step you can take when you meet with your lawyer. Also ask around the 12-step groups, check for an ankle bracelet and ask your lawyer if he has any connection, loose of otherwise, to Lindsay Lohan. If he says yes, then drop him immediately. You don't need that kind of trouble.