How to Grill Steak until It Surrenders
How to grill steak is a question many people ask because we are
not born with the ability to do so as infants. We have to learn
it as we get older. And since grilling steak is something one
must learn, it can be unlearned as well.
Since you're obviously a frick-tard at grilling steak (why else
would you be here?) and need to know how to do it well so no one
in your family complains, "Oh, my meat is too raw" or
"You overcooked the cow again" I will teach you now
to grill that thang until it surrenders.
The first step in the process is going to a butcher shop and
letting the Soup Nazi behind the counter tell you what a prime
cut is. He is the experienced one and you're just the clown wanting
to please people you really won't be able to please no matter
So, let the butcher (not the baker or candlestick maker) lay
his meat on you, then beat it down to your local grocery store
for some BBQ sauce. Take the bottle of any brand of BBQ sauce
off the store shelf and open the top. Put a small dab on your
finger tip and then reach around and put the dab at the top of
your ass crack. Put the barbeque sauce bottle back on the shelf.
Now, go home with your meat and fire up the grill. Okay, everything
you've done up until now is for show. Now it's time for go.
Go get a cow. Yes, a cow. I said a cow. You heard me the first
time. Get a cow and bring it into a small dark room with an overhead
Ask the cow a few tough questions to let it know who is the boss
(not the bossy) around here. Make the cow sweat. Hook the beast
up to a polygraph machine and pop in a DVD of Robert DeNiro in
the movie "Meet the Parents".
Ask the cow for an alibi 3 years ago on an overcast Thursday.
When the answers don't come quickly enough, tell the bovine that
you'll turn it into steak until it tells you where the dead body
When the cows starts to cry and beg for mercy, turn on 1,000
heat lamps and step out of the room for 10 minutes. Grill the
steak from the inside out. Yes, the inside out. Oh, that is so
inhumane you say. I'm going to call PETA on you, you whimper.
We go right ahead and call PETA. And, when you're done put some
steak and hummus inside of the PETA bread and shove it down your
pie hole. I just taught you now to grill steak until it surrenders
and all you can do is object and whine. That's a fine how-do-ya-do.
Now, go get grilling. Yee Ha!