How to grill steak is a question many people ask because we are not born with the ability to do so as infants. We have to learn it as we get older. And since grilling steak is something one must learn, it can be unlearned as well.

Since you're obviously a dolt at grilling steak (why else would you be here?) and need to know how to do it well so no one in your family complains, "Oh, my meat is too raw" or "You overcooked the cow again" I will teach you now to grill that thang until it surrenders.

The first step in the process is going to a butcher shop (for the best steak in town, you can't beat Fred's meat) and letting the guys behind the counter tell you what a prime cut is. They are the experienced ones and you're just the clown wanting to please people you really won't be able to please no matter what.

So, let the butcher (not the baker or candlestick maker) lay his meat on you, then beat it down to your local grocery store for some BBQ sauce. Take the bottle of any brand of BBQ sauce off the store shelf and open the top. Put a small dab on your finger tip and then reach around and put the dab at the top of your ass crack. Put the barbeque sauce bottle back on the shelf.

Now, go home with your meat and fire up the grill. Okay, everything you've done up until now is for show. Now it's time for go.

Go get a cow. Yes, a cow. I said a cow. You heard me the first time. Get a cow and bring it into a small dark room with an overhead light.

Ask the cow a few tough questions to let it know who is the boss (not the bossy) around here. Make the cow sweat. Hook the beast up to a polygraph machine and pop in a DVD of Robert DeNiro in the movie "Meet the Parents".

Ask the cow for an alibi 3 years ago on an overcast Thursday. When the answers don't come quickly enough, tell the bovine that you'll turn it into steak until it tells you where the dead body is buried.

When the cows starts to cry and beg for mercy, turn on 1,000 heat lamps and step out of the room for 10 minutes. Grill the steak from the inside out. Yes, the inside out. Oh, that is so inhumane you say. I'm going to call PETA on you, you whimper.

We go right ahead and call PETA. And, when you're done put some steak and hummus inside of the PETA bread and shove it down your pie hole. I just taught you now to grill steak until it surrenders and all you can do is object and whine. That's a fine how-do-ya-do. Now, go get grilling.