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How to Cook a Turkey to Perfection Using Tar Balls

If you're a fan of Thanksgiving, Christmas or any other holiday where a person needs to know how to cook a turkey perfectly then you'll want to read this.

How to Cook Turkey

Throw away those Butterballs, bags, and deep vats of oil. Those are so old school. Do you think the Pilgrims and Indian, who actually knew how to cook a turkey did it this way? The answer, in case you're wondering is No Way Jose (and this is meant with no disrespect to Jose's everywhere). Okay, perhaps one Jose and you know who you are.

Anyway, knowing how to cook a turkey perfectly can make any holiday meal a memory that will last a lifetime. If the turkey turns out bad, then your family and friends will remember this and remind you until infinitely and beyond and even slightly longer than this.

So, how do you cook a turkey? Well, for historical context, lets look first to see how the Pilgrims and Indians did it when they met for the first Thanksgiving in a Plymouth automobile (cars were very big back then) in the 1600's to take a break from negotiations about future land rights and casinos.

What the two groups of people did was to send their people down to the Gulf of Mexico. There was no deep drilling by BP back then but there was oil seepage into the Gulf. So, what they would do is one of two things.

First, the Indians would roll their turkeys around in oil similar to what occurred after the BP oil spill and then take these birds back to camp where they would cook them inside a teepee over a small open fire, then stuff them with peyote cactus.

Second, the pilgrims, however, took a different approach. They collected tar balls from the Gulf of Mexico and put them in a gunny sack (what is a gunny anyway?). Then they would take the tar balls back to camp where they would massage these into the live turkey before beheading them with dull cutlery then roast then over a fire made of kindling, maple leaves, marshmallows and S'mores.

So, since this page is about the historical context on how to cook a turkey to perfection, here are my current recommendations.

How to Cook a Turkey

1. Bring a live turkey to the Gulf of Mexico
2. Say a short prayer before the gods of BP
3. Behead the turkey with an illegal weapon originating from a Mexican drug cartel
4. Name your beheaded turkey, "Steve"
5. Dip Steve into the marshlands filled with oil until the crude tar has gotten past the feathers
6. Collect additional tar balls for basting later
7. Come back home and prepare for cooking
8. Place the turkey in a deep aluminum pan and fill halfway up with tar balls (baste as needed)
9. Construct a fire pit outside consisting of 100 Bic lighters arranged in a spiral on the ground.
10. Place the turkey pan over the lighters.
11. Cook the turkey for 14 hours, 23 minutes and 11 seconds without deviation, at 350 degrees F
12. Bring inside, carve and eat

These are my 12 easy steps in how to cook a turkey. Now, I realize that there are many other ways in which one can learn how to cook a turkey but they are all wrong and do not take into the historical perspective I have provided here.

They also do not take into account the fact that tar tastes great, is less filling and is healthy for you to ingest. Remember also that crude oil gravy is also good on turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing.

Serve the bird to your family and friends and this will be an event that will be remembered for a lifetime. And beyond.

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