How to Cook a Turkey to Perfection Using Tar
If you're a fan of Thanksgiving, Christmas or any other holiday
where a person needs to know how to cook a turkey perfectly then
you'll want to read this.
Throw away those Butterballs, bags, and deep vats of oil. Those
are so old school. Do you think the Pilgrims and Indian, who actually
knew how to cook a turkey did it this way? The answer, in case
you're wondering is No Way Jose (and this is meant with no disrespect
to Jose's everywhere). Okay, perhaps one Jose and you know who
Anyway, knowing how to cook a turkey perfectly can make any holiday
meal a memory that will last a lifetime. If the turkey turns out
bad, then your family and friends will remember this and remind
you until infinitely and beyond and even slightly longer than
So, how do you cook a turkey? Well, for historical context, lets
look first to see how the Pilgrims and Indians did it when they
met for the first Thanksgiving in a Plymouth automobile (cars
were very big back then) in the 1600's to take a break from negotiations
about future land rights and casinos.
What the two groups of people did was to send their people down
to the Gulf of Mexico. There was no deep drilling by BP back then
but there was oil seepage into the Gulf. So, what they would do
is one of two things.
First, the Indians would roll their turkeys around in oil similar
to what occurred after the BP oil spill and then take these birds
back to camp where they would cook them inside a teepee over a
small open fire, then stuff them with peyote cactus.
Second, the pilgrims, however, took a different approach. They
collected tar balls from the Gulf of Mexico and put them in a
gunny sack (what is a gunny anyway?). Then they would take the
tar balls back to camp where they would massage these into the
live turkey before beheading them with dull cutlery then roast
then over a fire made of kindling, maple leaves, marshmallows
So, since this page is about the historical context on how to
cook a turkey to perfection, here are my current recommendations.
How to Cook a Turkey
1. Bring a live turkey to the Gulf of Mexico
2. Say a short prayer before the gods of BP
3. Behead the turkey with an illegal weapon originating from a
Mexican drug cartel
4. Name your beheaded turkey, "Steve"
5. Dip Steve into the marshlands filled with oil until the crude
tar has gotten past the feathers
6. Collect additional tar balls for basting later
7. Come back home and prepare for cooking
8. Place the turkey in a deep aluminum pan and fill halfway up
with tar balls (baste as needed)
9. Construct a fire pit outside consisting of 100 Bic lighters
arranged in a spiral on the ground.
10. Place the turkey pan over the lighters.
11. Cook the turkey for 14 hours, 23 minutes and 11 seconds without
deviation, at 350 degrees F
12. Bring inside, carve and eat
These are my 12 easy steps in how to cook a turkey. Now, I realize
that there are many other ways in which one can learn how to cook
a turkey but they are all wrong and do not take into the historical
perspective I have provided here.
They also do not take into account the fact that tar tastes great,
is less filling and is healthy for you to ingest. Remember also
that crude oil gravy is also good on turkey, mashed potatoes and
Serve the bird to your family and friends and this will be an
event that will be remembered for a lifetime. And beyond.