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Click Here Nimrod

How to Do Your Own Colonoscopy

(Using a Tire Iron)

How many times have you heard the phrase, "That's about as much fun as a colonoscopy with a tire iron"? Okay, so you've heard it here now first, because I just made it up.


But, this one-liner got me to thinking (uh-oh, this can't be good) about how a person would go about giving themselves a colonoscopy using a tire iron. Ever since Ronald Reagan got his butt polyps removed by Johnny Carson's doctor Al Bendova, getting a colonoscopy has been in fashion.

Now, I'm not saying I recommend them for infants or other young children but an unruly teen on up in age may just benefit from one from time to time. Now the traditional way is that a doctor will put you to sleep without even a goodnight kiss and sometime later you'll wake up with a date rape drug buzz in a hospital with the nurse telling you that your colon is in fine shape and your credit card is maxed out.

Hospitals used to videotape these procedures and then give these to the patients but because of malpractice liability, they have discontinued this practice so the doctors are now free to put YooHoos up your butt and post those pictures on Facebook.

So, what I recommend (and remember, I'm not a doctor here) is that you take matters into your own hands. Do-it-yourself (DIY) medical practice has been ongoing for eons (and no one knows exactly what an eon is except that it glows in the dark, sort of) because mankind has more faith in themselves than anyone else including doctors and other medical specialists.

So, now to get on with the 10-step procedure of using a tire iron for your self-colonoscopy:

  1. Bite on a silver bullet (in other words Old West anesthetic)
2. Pull down your pants
3. Use a tiny pinhole camera from a spy store (you know the ones in which you can look under a door) and insert into your favorite sphincter
4. Check for polyps
5. Push pooh out of the way
6. Wind it around like a snake in your colon, bowels, intestines, digestive tract, through the mousetrap, across the small intestine and stomach, pass Go and Collect $200 and out the mouth hole.
7. Now back out completely and remember your trail and where the polyps are located.
8. Withdraw spy camera completely from sphincter
9. Insert tire iron and dig around like the caveman who first invented the shovel
10. Twist, shove, poke, prod, disengaged, rinse and repeat as necessary

These are the ten steps in giving yourself a colonoscopy. Most doctors recommend that both men and women over 50 should annually bend over and shell out hundreds of dollars for this procedure. I say take matters into your own hands and cut out the middleman (That is to say if you do actually have a middleman stuck up your sphincter).

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