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How to Change Yourself into a New You

How to change yourself into a new you (or in case you're a sheep, a new ewe) is covered on this page. Many people ask "how to change yourself" thinking this is a big ordeal that will take a lot of time and money from Tony Robbins or Dr. Phil or even Deepak Chopra.

How to Change Yourself

This is not so and I'll tell you why. The answer to how do you change yourself comes in small steps or baby steps as Bill Murray would say in the movie "What About Bob?"

The first thing I want you to do is change your underwear in order to change yourself. Yes, go minimize this page and do it now. Do it now.

There, you're back. When I was young, my mother said to me constantly, "Wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident." My reply was, "What if I have an accident in my underwear and that causes a crash?"

My mother didn't get my sense of humor then or now. But, this clean underwear scenario made me imagine that I would be driving along one day, mistake a fart for a diarrhea bubble and have an accident in my pants.

I would be so distracted that I would drive off the road and hit a guardrail. Of course the paramedics would haul me away, notice I had dirty underwear, call the police who would give me a ticket for this, who would call my mom and embarrass her with the news as well.

Okay, so why did I go off on this tangent in the first place? To make a point. Change your underwear - change your life. Change your hairstyle - change your life. Change your daily routine of sphincter exercises - change your life.

Of course if you want to know how to change yourself in a rapid manner, with no pain, lots of gain and making big, sweeping personality enhancements then there are two ways to go about this. On the negative side you may want to think about picking up a drug or alcohol dependency problem.

On a more positive side you may want to visit Coney Island. I'm not talking about that magical wizard from the movie "Big" either, staring Tom Hanks. What I am talking about is this little change machine that accepts dollar bills and gives you back quarters.

If you shake the machine a little, then it's like rubbing a genii's lamp. You'll get change in quarters and you'll get to change your life. Be careful though since the first thing that pops into your head is the change you'll get (limit one per customer).

This change machine usually rips you off by giving you only one quarter, so if your first thought is that you've been ripped off and you wish you had those other 3 quarters, then that is what you'll get, slowly rolling out of the machine.

But, if you do it right, you can wish to become either the President or a crackhead or anything in-between. Think this is a little far-fetched? Then why is it that every person who eventually became President starting with Calvin Coolidge (ever wonder why he had a snowball's chance at the top spot?) has gone to that same change machine and wished for the same thing - cotton candy infested with lice.

Now, I'm not sure how the mysteries of the universe work. It seems that if you wish for being the President directly you end up becoming either a clone of Urkel or Mel Gibson. But, if you wish for cotton candy (with lice), you will change yourself into the President. True story, so there is no need to fact check this one.

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