How to Change Yourself into a New You
How to change yourself into a new you (or in case you're a sheep,
a new ewe) is covered on this page. Many people ask "how
to change yourself" thinking this is a big ordeal that will
take a lot of time and money from Tony Robbins or Dr. Phil or
even Deepak Chopra.
This is not so and I'll tell you why. The answer to how do you
change yourself comes in small steps or baby steps as Bill Murray
would say in the movie "What About Bob?"
The first thing I want you to do is change your underwear in
order to change yourself. Yes, go minimize this page and do it
now. Do it now.
There, you're back. When I was young, my mother said to me constantly,
"Wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My reply was, "What if I have an accident in my underwear
and that causes a crash?"
My mother didn't get my sense of humor then or now. But, this
clean underwear scenario made me imagine that I would be driving
along one day, mistake a fart for a diarrhea bubble and have an
accident in my pants.
I would be so distracted that I would drive off the road and
hit a guardrail. Of course the paramedics would haul me away,
notice I had dirty underwear, call the police who would give me
a ticket for this, who would call my mom and embarrass her with
the news as well.
Okay, so why did I go off on this tangent in the first place?
To make a point. Change your underwear - change your life. Change
your hairstyle - change your life. Change your daily routine of
sphincter exercises - change your life.
Of course if you want to know how to change yourself in a rapid
manner, with no pain, lots of gain and making big, sweeping personality
enhancements then there are two ways to go about this. On the
negative side you may want to think about picking up a drug or
alcohol dependency problem.
On a more positive side you may want to visit Coney Island. I'm
not talking about that magical wizard from the movie "Big"
either, staring Tom Hanks. What I am talking about is this little
change machine that accepts dollar bills and gives you back quarters.
If you shake the machine a little, then it's like rubbing a genii's
lamp. You'll get change in quarters and you'll get to change your
life. Be careful though since the first thing that pops into your
head is the change you'll get (limit one per customer).
This change machine usually rips you off by giving you only one
quarter, so if your first thought is that you've been ripped off
and you wish you had those other 3 quarters, then that is what
you'll get, slowly rolling out of the machine.
But, if you do it right, you can wish to become either the President
or a crackhead or anything in-between. Think this is a little
far-fetched? Then why is it that every person who eventually became
President starting with Calvin Coolidge (ever wonder why he had
a snowball's chance at the top spot?) has gone to that same change
machine and wished for the same thing - cotton candy infested
Now, I'm not sure how the mysteries of the universe work. It
seems that if you wish for being the President directly you end
up becoming either a clone of Urkel or Mel Gibson. But, if you
wish for cotton candy (with lice), you will change yourself into
the President. True story, so there is no need to fact check this