How to Carve a Pumpkin like O. J. Simpson
How to carve a pumpkin like O. J. Simpson is what many people
are wondering around Halloween time. Okay, maybe not a lot of
people, but a few morbid and grotesque souls that are akin to
The other angry souls are wondering how to carve a pumpkin like
Jack the Ripper or that farmer's wife from the Three Blind Mice
nursery rhyme. But, we will leave these how-to topics for another
time and focus on the OJ method of carving pumpkins.
First of all, you'll need the plaintiff wail of a dog next door
by which to do the carving. Next, you'll need two innocent and
unassuming pumpkins (it's Halloween, duh, so why didn't you see
Next, you'll need to envision O. J. with a knife (it's not too
hard to imagine). Then, you will need to jump out of the bushes
at your pumpkins and stab them repeatedly and with a furry that
only helldogs and Mel Gibson can relate to.
This "how to carve a pumpkin" exercise turns into a
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Freddie meets Jason, apocalyptic Terminator
event that only serial killers have moist dreams about. Once you
have defaced your pumpkins it's time to flee and have a low speed
chase with police while working on your alibi.
Ride off into the sunset on a white bronco (horse of course)
all the way to Florida to play golf and to look for the real carvers
of your pumpkins. Next, you'll go to Nevada and make a bonehead
move to collect your stuff because you need money and end up in
This is how to carve a pumpkin like O. J. Simpson. Next year
we will discuss how to carve a pumpkin like Homer Simpson and
some of the details will be the same except the knife will slip
and he will end up carving himself. Doh!