How to carve a pumpkin like O. J. Simpson is what many people are wondering around Halloween time. Okay, maybe not a lot of people, but a few morbid and grotesque souls that are akin to myself.

The other angry souls are wondering how to carve a pumpkin like Jack the Ripper or that farmer's wife from the Three Blind Mice nursery rhyme. But, we will leave these how-to topics for another time and focus on the OJ method of carving pumpkins.

First of all, you'll need the plaintiff wail of a dog next door by which to do the carving. Next, you'll need two innocent and unassuming pumpkins (it's Halloween, duh, so why didn't you see this coming?).

Next, you'll need to envision O. J. with a knife (it's not too hard to imagine). Then, you will need to jump out of the bushes at your pumpkins and stab them repeatedly and with a furry that only helldogs and Mel Gibson can relate to.

This "how to carve a pumpkin" exercise turns into a Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Freddie meets Jason, apocalyptic Terminator event that only serial killers have moist dreams about. Once you have defaced your pumpkins it's time to flee and have a low speed chase with police while working on your alibi.

Ride off into the sunset on a white bronco (horse of course) all the way to Florida to play golf and to look for the real carvers of your pumpkins. Next, you'll go to Nevada and make a bonehead move to collect your stuff because you need money and end up in jail.

This is how to carve a pumpkin like O. J. Simpson. Next year we will discuss how to carve a pumpkin like Homer Simpson and some of the details will be the same except the knife will slip and he will end up carving himself. Doh!