How to Beat a DUI
Many people want to know how to beat a DUI (or DWI in some states)
rap while obviously being stoned or drunk. Now, there are several
methods to do this madness which may seem counterintuitive at
The first course of action is prevention. No, I'm not talking
about not smoking weed or drinking alcohol since that would be
plain ridiculous. What I am talking about is discipline.
In order to learn how to beat a DUI or DWI charge, you must first
learn how to beat a polygraph test. If you can beat a polygraph,
then you have the discipline to beat just about any other rap
that comes your way.
Now, many people suggest placing a tack in one's shoe and every
time you give an answer on the polygraph jab your toe with the
tack. This is kind of tacky and won't work because the new polygraph
machines use a tinfoil hat to subterfuge alien brain waves originating
from outer space and rigging the answers. WTF did I just say?
No, the sure way to beat a polygraph and in turn beat a DUI or
DWI ticket is to use epicac syrup. This EPICAC, like the name
sounds will make you gag, cackle and eventually vomit all over
the testing equipment. The officer or tester won't even want to
continue and will send you on your merry way.
Another way to beat a DUI is when you are pulled over by your
potential arresting officer, is to put several pennies in your
mouth and suck on them. This will have no effect on your blood
/ alcohol level (or THC level), but it will put an inordinate
amount of copper in your liver causing you to die in 10 - 12 years
from a disease that TV star House cannot diagnose. But, in the
meantime, the pennies will soothe you like a pacifier, so that's
And the pennies will give you a moment to get your real weapon
for beating a DUI in order. After a night of partying and before
you get in your car to drive, make sure that you have a handful
of Mentos to swallow at a moment's notice. Also make sure you
have a carbonated soda, preferably a one-liter bottle of Coke
to chug down as well.
When the officer pulls you over for the DUI, quickly swallow
the Mentos. As the officer approaches the vehicle, roll down your
window and start chugging the soda. As with the EPICAC the Mentos-Coke
solution will have an immediate volcanic vomiting effect that
is nastier than any of those in the Exorcist movies.
Once again, the officer will be disgusted and will tell you to
drive home safety and get your friggin goat smelling pimply cheese
ass out of his sight. Now, if for some reason these plans fail
because the officer actually LIKES this vomiting treatment then
call a DUI lawyer right away. If searching for a DUI lawyer, find
one that knows about using epicac, sucking on pennies and using
Mentos and Coke as a weapon and you'll have a perfect match.
Disclaimer: do not try any of this at home. Leave this
to the professionals. This is for humor value only. Must be approved
by the Commissioner of Baseball. Off you go.