Many people want to know how to beat a DUI (or DWI in some states) rap while obviously being stoned or drunk. Now, there are several methods to do this madness which may seem counterintuitive at first.

The first course of action is prevention. No, I'm not talking about not smoking weed or drinking alcohol since that would be plain ridiculous. What I am talking about is discipline.

In order to learn how to beat a DUI or DWI charge, you must first learn how to beat a polygraph test. If you can beat a polygraph, then you have the discipline to beat just about any other rap that comes your way.

Now, many people suggest placing a tack in one's shoe and every time you give an answer on the polygraph jab your toe with the tack. This is kind of tacky and won't work because the new polygraph machines use a tinfoil hat to subterfuge alien brain waves originating from outer space and rigging the answers. WTF did I just say? :)

No, the sure way to beat a polygraph and in turn beat a DUI or DWI ticket is to use epicac syrup. This EPICAC, like the name sounds will make you gag, cackle and eventually vomit all over the testing equipment. The officer or tester won't even want to continue and will send you on your merry way.

Another way to beat a DUI is when you are pulled over by your potential arresting officer, is to put several pennies in your mouth and suck on them. This will have no effect on your blood / alcohol level (or THC level), but it will put an inordinate amount of copper in your liver causing you to die in 10 - 12 years from a disease that TV star House cannot diagnose. But, in the meantime, the pennies will soothe you like a pacifier, so that's all good.

And the pennies will give you a moment to get your real weapon for beating a DUI in order. After a night of partying and before you get in your car to drive, make sure that you have a handful of Mentos to swallow at a moment's notice. Also make sure you have a carbonated soda, preferably a one-liter bottle of Coke to chug down as well.

When the officer pulls you over for the DUI, quickly swallow the Mentos. As the officer approaches the vehicle, roll down your window and start chugging the soda. As with the EPICAC the Mentos-Coke solution will have an immediate volcanic vomiting effect that is nastier than any of those in the Exorcist movies.

Once again, the officer will be disgusted and will tell you to drive home safety and get your friggin goat smelling pimply cheese ass out of his sight. Now, if for some reason these plans fail because the officer actually LIKES this vomiting treatment then call a DUI lawyer right away. If searching for a DUI lawyer, find one that knows about using epicac, sucking on pennies and using Mentos and Coke as a weapon and you'll have a perfect match.

Disclaimer: do not try any of this at home. Leave this to the professionals. This is for humor value only. Must be approved by the Commissioner of Baseball. Off you go.