How to Go to Hell
in a Hand Basket
In this tutorial you will learn how to go to hell in a hand basket
in 2,487,016 easy steps. If you've ever wanted to go to hell in
a hand basket now is your chance. Don't blow it.
Hell in a hand basket is an easy feat to accomplish if you follow
the steps without deviation, you deviant.
What you will need to accomplish this task:
- A large hand basket from home
- A belief in Jesus
- A guilty conscience
- A priest or pastor to confess to
Now, here are the steps, one by one, in order to send you on
your merry way:
- Look around home for a large hand basket that one person can
- Start questioning the story of Jesus to yourself
- Develop a guilty conscience for lack of faith and your questioning
- Bring your guilty conscience to a pastor or priest
- Say things like:
a. If Jesus died on the cross for us, then why are we all born
b. Didn't his dying erase our sins?
c. If Jesus died for us on the cross to forgive our sins, why
do we have to go to confession or pray for forgiveness or make
d. Aren't we given a free pass since Jesus died for us?
e. What is the causal relationship between Jesus dying on the
cross and me being forgiven for my sins? I've never understood
how this works. If I step in a water puddle I get wet. This
I understand. But, Jesus being nailed to the cross to forgive
our sins, I just don't see the connection. It goes way over
my head, man.
f. If there is a connection and I am forgiven for my sins by
Jesus dying on the cross then why do I have to get down on my
knees and pray at night for my sins to be forgiven?
g. Isn't this redundant? I'd hate to waste God's time. I'm sure
He has a lot on his agenda. I've seen the movie Bruce Almighty
and it seems like God is overwhelmed as it is.
h. If I add to His burden won't I be sent to Hell just for being
i. And what about this Big Bang Theory I keep hearing about?
Does this have anything to do with original sin? Was there a
Big Bang and suddenly Adam and Eve appeared?
j. Did Adam and Eve roam the Earth with dinosaurs? If so, what
kind of dinosaur whispered to Even in the Garden of Eden? Was
it a raptor?
k. So, Adam and Eve introduced Original Sin to mankind. Did
Jesus not erase this by being on the cross?
l. Why is thinking of a sin the same as doing it? If I think
of smothering a loved one with a pillow I get this strange satisfaction
in my belly. But, if I actually do it, I go to prison for the
rest of my life and meet lots of "significant others"
while I'm there. Is this considered Hell or just a precursor?
- After you have asked all of these questions, go sit quietly
in your basket. Wait for lightening to strike or for your home
or apartment to mysteriously fill with gas and for that to explode.
- If neither of these things happens you will be hit by a bus.
- Rush Limbaugh will sentence you to Hell.
- When you see a bright light, go into it. You will travel to
a place for eternity to experience eternal damnation, fire and
brimstone (plus you'll be given a complimentary mood ring).
- The Olsen Twins will poke you with a pitchfork and nail you
to a fiery cross.
- After what seems like an eternity you will be taken down and
sitteth on the right hoof of the Godfather Almighty. Gotti the
Father (in New York anyway), maker of Heaven and Hell, Creator
of all things visible and invisible (at the bottom of the Hudson
River) will be your host on the new and improved game show,
The Price Is Right.
- You will be sentenced to sleep with Mr. Ed's head in your
bed for all of eternity. He will talk incessantly as you try
- You will be given explicit instructions not to take Oprah's
name in vain. And don't mess with The Donald either.
- And when you ask, "Is this Hell?" then Kevin Costner
will say, "No, this is Iowa" and he will be stricken
by a fireball flying out of Snooki's mouth.
- Jack Nicolson will make a walk on guest appearance on what
will appear like the old comedy show Laugh-In and Robert De
Niro will be chasing him. Snowmen will be melting and pigs will
be flying. Pretend not to notice.
- Many other odd things will happen and you'll have to pretend
not to notice them as well including:
a. Eminem will be singing an acoustic guitar love song to Kim
b. Moammar Khadafy will rant about the fact that you've asked
too many questions and who does one have to f&#*@k around
here to get a hallucinogenic candy bar.
c. Mike Tyson and Kobe will be having a threesome with yo mama.
d. The Michael Jackson Day Care Center will open next door.
e. Michael Vick will punt Toto into a spirally tunnel while
a Sarah Mclachlan song plays in the background.
f. The Devil will not be wearing prada, but rather it will be
Mark Zuckerberg wearing a couple of Winklevoss twins as one
might have worn a fashionable mink coat in the 1950's.
g. The Fox Network will be there to report on the whole incident.
If you follow these steps to a tee, then you will surely go to
Hell in a hand basket. Ask no more questions. Consider what you've
done. And get started. Now.