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Click Here Nimrod

How to Go to Hell
in a Hand Basket

In this tutorial you will learn how to go to hell in a hand basket in 2,487,016 easy steps. If you've ever wanted to go to hell in a hand basket now is your chance. Don't blow it.

Hell Hand Basket

Hell in a hand basket is an easy feat to accomplish if you follow the steps without deviation, you deviant.

What you will need to accomplish this task:

  1. A large hand basket from home
  2. A belief in Jesus
  3. A guilty conscience
  4. A priest or pastor to confess to

Now, here are the steps, one by one, in order to send you on your merry way:

  1. Look around home for a large hand basket that one person can fit into
  2. Start questioning the story of Jesus to yourself
  3. Develop a guilty conscience for lack of faith and your questioning nature
  4. Bring your guilty conscience to a pastor or priest
  5. Say things like:
    a. If Jesus died on the cross for us, then why are we all born sinners?
    b. Didn't his dying erase our sins?
    c. If Jesus died for us on the cross to forgive our sins, why do we have to go to confession or pray for forgiveness or make atonement?
    d. Aren't we given a free pass since Jesus died for us?
    e. What is the causal relationship between Jesus dying on the cross and me being forgiven for my sins? I've never understood how this works. If I step in a water puddle I get wet. This I understand. But, Jesus being nailed to the cross to forgive our sins, I just don't see the connection. It goes way over my head, man.
    f. If there is a connection and I am forgiven for my sins by Jesus dying on the cross then why do I have to get down on my knees and pray at night for my sins to be forgiven?
    g. Isn't this redundant? I'd hate to waste God's time. I'm sure He has a lot on his agenda. I've seen the movie Bruce Almighty and it seems like God is overwhelmed as it is.
    h. If I add to His burden won't I be sent to Hell just for being a pest?
    i. And what about this Big Bang Theory I keep hearing about? Does this have anything to do with original sin? Was there a Big Bang and suddenly Adam and Eve appeared?
    j. Did Adam and Eve roam the Earth with dinosaurs? If so, what kind of dinosaur whispered to Even in the Garden of Eden? Was it a raptor?
    k. So, Adam and Eve introduced Original Sin to mankind. Did Jesus not erase this by being on the cross?
    l. Why is thinking of a sin the same as doing it? If I think of smothering a loved one with a pillow I get this strange satisfaction in my belly. But, if I actually do it, I go to prison for the rest of my life and meet lots of "significant others" while I'm there. Is this considered Hell or just a precursor?
  6. After you have asked all of these questions, go sit quietly in your basket. Wait for lightening to strike or for your home or apartment to mysteriously fill with gas and for that to explode.
  7. If neither of these things happens you will be hit by a bus.
  8. Rush Limbaugh will sentence you to Hell.
  9. When you see a bright light, go into it. You will travel to a place for eternity to experience eternal damnation, fire and brimstone (plus you'll be given a complimentary mood ring).
  10. The Olsen Twins will poke you with a pitchfork and nail you to a fiery cross.
  11. After what seems like an eternity you will be taken down and sitteth on the right hoof of the Godfather Almighty. Gotti the Father (in New York anyway), maker of Heaven and Hell, Creator of all things visible and invisible (at the bottom of the Hudson River) will be your host on the new and improved game show, The Price Is Right.
  12. You will be sentenced to sleep with Mr. Ed's head in your bed for all of eternity. He will talk incessantly as you try to sleep.
  13. You will be given explicit instructions not to take Oprah's name in vain. And don't mess with The Donald either.
  14. And when you ask, "Is this Hell?" then Kevin Costner will say, "No, this is Iowa" and he will be stricken by a fireball flying out of Snooki's mouth.
  15. Jack Nicolson will make a walk on guest appearance on what will appear like the old comedy show Laugh-In and Robert De Niro will be chasing him. Snowmen will be melting and pigs will be flying. Pretend not to notice.
  16. Many other odd things will happen and you'll have to pretend not to notice them as well including:
    a. Eminem will be singing an acoustic guitar love song to Kim Kardashian
    b. Moammar Khadafy will rant about the fact that you've asked too many questions and who does one have to f&#*@k around here to get a hallucinogenic candy bar.
    c. Mike Tyson and Kobe will be having a threesome with yo mama.
    d. The Michael Jackson Day Care Center will open next door.
    e. Michael Vick will punt Toto into a spirally tunnel while a Sarah Mclachlan song plays in the background.
    f. The Devil will not be wearing prada, but rather it will be Mark Zuckerberg wearing a couple of Winklevoss twins as one might have worn a fashionable mink coat in the 1950's.
    g. The Fox Network will be there to report on the whole incident.

If you follow these steps to a tee, then you will surely go to Hell in a hand basket. Ask no more questions. Consider what you've done. And get started. Now.

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